When I first decided to start a blog, I knew nothing about where to begin. I had never built a website, was not a writer, and had never taken photos of food on anything other than my Iphone. To say that I had no idea what I was doing, would be an understatement. I was, and in so many way still are, clueless.
Besides not knowing how to do any of this (which was sort of a big problem), I also had a million other reasons why my “new venture” made no sense. At the time I started working on this, we had just moved to Connecticut. I had four little guys that were so dependent on me, and I no longer had the support of family and friends around. We were on our own trying to get settled. Adding something new to my plate, in one of the busiest times of our lives, made no sense. And yet, there I was with this little voice inside me that just wouldn’t quiet down.
So I started. At the beginning. First with just a pen and a lot of paper. Little scribbles and notes here and there. Ideas to explore.
(my old “notes” from last summer)
I pushed hard on it for a few months, and then got frustrated by how much work was involved, how time consuming it all was, and how little I knew. I just wanted to “be there”. To have moved forward from the starting point, to have made a little progress. But it felt as if I was only taking baby steps. One step forward and then two steps back. It was incredibly frustrating and I can vividly remember it feeling so uncomfortable at the time. So I walked away from it for a few months. I felt like a failure. I had no idea this would be so hard for me. But it was, so I stopped.
When Asher was first born, when I first became a mother, I remember feeling so out of control. I had no idea what I was doing. Motherhood was so much harder than I had anticipated. I remember each day feeling like the minutes were barely ticking by. I would close my eyes and wish my little newborn was older so that maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. It felt so uncomfortable, and all I wanted was out.
I remember first starting yoga a decade ago. My very first class I couldn’t even touch my toes, not even close. In fact, for years I couldn’t. Moving that way does not come naturally for me. I was tall, painfully awkward and so inflexible. It bothered me a lot in the beginning. I’d see these young girls doing things I’d never be able to do, and they didn’t even have to try. It felt so hard for me. It felt so uncomfortable, and all I wanted was out.
When we first moved to Connecticut I wanted so badly to not be the “new person” anymore. I was so over being new. I had just done it the year before in New York and I didn’t have the energy in me to do it again. I wanted to be settled, to be immersed in the community, to have friends. So I tried my hardest to push my way out of the “new person” zone. I hated it. It felt so uncomfortable, and all I wanted was out.
I think it’s safe to say that I am not the best at being where I’m at. Whether it’s motherhood, yoga, resettling our life, or a personal project I’m working on, I want to be father along than I am. I want it to feel “easier”, for me to be “better”, or for it to be done “faster”.
My initial reaction when things start to feel hard or uncomfortable is to escape. It may not always seem obvious, or even be something I do consciously . But subconsciously, deep down, I know what’s happening. My ego finds a million ways to “escape”. It shows up in the form of distraction, excuses, pushing faster or harder, controlling and a million other ways that get me out of the here and now.
So I have to practice. Every day. To stay mindful of the moments that seem the hardest or the most uncomfortable. And instead of escaping, I sit with them and let them be. That is my work for now. Starting at the beginning each day, with each new experience and letting things be. Not matter how hard or uncomfortable.
Eventually, all of these new beginnings pass. I eventually grow to become a more confident mother, a less awkward yogi, and am no longer the “new girl”. But none of those things happened by my control.
When I was ready to revisit the idea of starting this blog, I knew that I had to do it with a new mindset. I made a promise to myself that I would start each day working on this as a new beginning, and a new opportunity to learn to sit with the hard and the uncomfortable.
So everyday as I open my computer and begin to tackle something new with this project, something that I know nothing about, I pause, take a deep breathe and remember that this is just the beginning.
just a few of the moments I had to start at the beginning…
Almost a year ago when I first started collecting ideas
When I first realized how little I knew
having doubts about “grace in the crumbs”
realizing the “pin it” buttons were harder than I thought
learning to write
Trying to learn wordpress
a small layout victory…links were finally working!
the day baby steps felt like real steps
and then finally…today. As I sit and write this.