Yesterday, in my stories, I shared how I was having a hard moment. And almost immediately I was flooded with sweet messages of “me to” and support from all of you. I was overwhelmed. I wasn’t alone.
So I thought a post was due because I have a feeling a lot of us are feeling the same, but sometimes it can be hard to articulate.
If you were to ask me how I am, I’d say wonderful. Because for the most part, I am. I’m actually really happy. More than I have been in a long time. But the longer, more nuanced, answer is that I’m feeling it ALL these days. The good of the bad. Which means a lot of ups and downs, and I’m actually really ok with it.
For whatever reason, right now, I’m just taking it ALL in.
I’ve always been someone who takes IN the world around me. But these days, I’m probably even a little more sensitive. Which means just more to feel.
Plus, I wear my heart on my sleeve. So the good or bad you always know how I’m feeling (hence tears on the couch yesterday). I’m terrible at faking it.
I know that I’ve shared on here quite a few times how I’m on a journey. A journey of what you might ask? I’m not sure. Maybe self-betterment. Maybe happiness. Or maybe just to find me.
It’s one I’ve been on for years but really committed to more the past six months or so. And I can honestly say that I feel a big shift.
I feel more empowered. Clearer, lighter. More content and happier than I have been in a long time.
But I also feel slightly scared. I don’t know why or of what. It almost feels even silly writing that. I think there is just a rawness and deep vulnerability there when you take time to really challenge yourself, hold yourself accountable or look a little deeper at who you are.
I can feel so confident and so sure of myself and what I’m doing, and then in just s single breath later, completely second-guess my worth, wondering if I’m “good enough”.
How did you not know Sloan was struggling. You’re not paying enough attention to the kids
You’re just a microblogger, why would she email you back? You’re just wasting your time.
What are you doing writing content around self-love – you’re crying on a couch over an e-mail. You are such a fraud.
It almost takes my breath away how quickly it happens.
I used to get so frustrated with myself when those moments would happen (like yesterday). Are we really here again? Are you really telling yourself these stories, again? It used to feel so frustrating to catch myself in those moments.
But the thing is, I’m catching myself! I can almost see it in the moment happening. And that my friends is everything. It’s in those moments, when we catch ourselves, that we see the growth and we find true freedom. A moment of peace.
We can’t stop these thoughts or feelings from happening. In fact, I actually think these thoughts can be healthy. Like our own internal barometer to keep us honest with ourselves. To see how we’re doing. To hold ourselves accountable. Point out where maybe we’re still feeling a little insecure or stuck.
Life is hard. And messy. And amazingly imperfect. And so are we.
Every day we can show up for ourselves and put in ALL the work we want to be the very best version of ourselves – like so many of you are doing, and like I’m trying to do.
But we’re still going to have these moments. Things that feel like setbacks. We’re going to have to ride a little bit of a rollercoaster. Because we’re human, we’re awake, paying attention, and TRYING.
And I think the harder we try,…
to push ourselves and grow personally
to love our people our community and the people around us
to create this amazingly beautiful, full, life where we’re awake and alive and feeling it all.
The more we open ourselves up to the rollercoaster of emotions. It just comes with the territory.
But I don’t know any other way to do it. And I know you don’t either. I’m not afraid of a few tears, or to be vulnerable with all of you that at times I still feel insecure or lost. Because I know that WE ALL DO.
Yesterday was awesome in its own strange way. It was a check-in. A moment to get some insight on where I’m still feeling insecure or things I need to work on. That I can learn from.
These days, what matters to me the most is striving for integrity between my heart and my actions. Making sure the things I say and do, align with how I feel. That my outside matches my inside. That the person I am today, is aligned with the person I’m striving to be.
That my friends is when I’m my happiest. And lately, I’m having more and more days where I feel that integrity deep in my core. So yes, it’s messy trying to course-correct some of that alignment and create integrity there between my thoughts and actions. But it’s happening. And it makes me so darn happy.
So if you were to go back and ask me again, how are you doing? I think my long and short answer is now the same. I’m good and well and happy, in the most honest and real way I know.